my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
