omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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