Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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