i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
