Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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