Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
