I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
