Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
