My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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