I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
