I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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