I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
