walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
