M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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