my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
