At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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