I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
