My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize