it wasn't lemon gatorade
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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