I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
