You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
