I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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