perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
