One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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