ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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