I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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