My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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