so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
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I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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