Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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