we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
