Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
