well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
