Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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