So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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