If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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