Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
