im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize