Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos