Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm at about main and main street
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.