Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
