she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
