So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
