Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
