Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
