I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I smell like Dick and happiness
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
