I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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