So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
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Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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