There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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