why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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