I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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