so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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