My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
