Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
