Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
